The scariest thing I can think of right now does not have to do with dying or the potential to die (like falling/heights, which is probably my biggest fear).
It is the possibility that no one needs me. That is tantamount to having absolutely no purpose in life as well as the fact that it matters to no one if I exist or not, that if I did die, it wouldn't matter to people.
Truly an existentially shaking thought, however fleeting it may be.
The more I think about it, the more I try to assert the fact that my life should primarily lived for myself. But that just brings up another important fact: a good part of my happiness relies on the happiness of those around me, and the fact that I bring those around me happiness. If they don't need me...
I just hope I don't sound too angst-ridden. The unsettling feelings I had when I started writing this have subsided, and I'm back to normal :) This is one of the reasons I started this blog. I feel like 1) I can recover from such feelings more quickly if I had them shared, and 2) people who read this might have a better understanding of me, which I see as a wholly good thing.
Early in my life I decided that such dark thinking leads to nothing good. While it is okay to hurt and okay to experience negative feelings, if I did not move on then I would not be a better person for it.
:( I can honestly say that I felt I could relate to you so well, and that made my time in the UK SO much more enjoyable. I have a terribly yucky fear of not being needed by anyone either. It's the root of most of my sadness most days. But I hope you know someone like you is definitely needed. I needed you. And someone else does and will.
ReplyDeleteAww, thanks Margaret. Just know that you'll always be one of my dearest friends, no matter how far away you may be or how long it's been since our time together in the UK.
ReplyDelete:) I second that with all my heart.
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